DAY 4
Sorry this is a day late, I had to deal with my my ovaries splitting in half *See update for explanation*
I used to obsess on my health. I was practically a hypochondriac. I think it was something that caused problems in my marriage. I had a therapist once tell me that I was so unhappy in my marriage that my hidden nervousness and despair appeared in my anxious behavior over my health. I thought he was full of it, until I noticed as soon as I got divorced I didn’t obsess over every little ailment. I was instantly cured of my hypochondria, and I had no idea when or how it happened. My next obsession was having a “normal” life. I had to get remarried, have kids, and do the “normal” thing. Eventually over time (especially lately), I’ve been asking myself why is that so normal and why do I feel I need it? I’m actually happy alone. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to eventually share my life with the right person, it just means I’m ok being alone too. Life is peaceful alone, and not entirely lonely or terrible. I’m happy I finally feel this way; I think it will allow me to only open my life to the right man, and not force an unhealthy situation. Again this happened instantly with no explanation, it’s like the light just finally flashed on and I understood and was content.
The same goes for kids, I spent my entire life wanting a family to the point I obsessed over it, and one day woke up and asked myself why? I spend a majority of my time around teenagers and honestly they’re a pain in the ass! Before they’re obnoxious teens they’re unbearable babies. As babies, they’re cute and all; but they cry, they keep you up all night, they can’t communicate so if they’re sick I’d be a nervous wreck, and most of all they shit their pants. None of that sounds rewarding or fun. Then they become teenagers; they become mouthy brats, you have to teach them how to drive, they cost you a ton of money, they fail all their classes, become apathetic assholes with an attitude with no sense of direction, and they’re clueless about their futures. Again how does this make someone feel rewarded and happy? The older I get the more the idea of having a baby over kick ass vacations and other luxury items, doesn’t really turn me on.
I used to get annoyed with people who would say they live in the here and now. I was like what a bunch of hippie nonsense. To me these were lazy people who were too careless to plan for the future. I needed to have my future all planned out and ready to go. This planning brought me nothing but disappointment and heartache. For the past two years I have been doing too much of two things, I’ve obsessed over the past and obsessed over the future, the whole time I have stopped enjoying the present. I have spent most of my life trying to either relive the past or make a future exist before it arrives; I have finally realized that in between these two extremes is the peace I’ve been seeking. So the problem is, I obsess over things I cannot control. The solution is, to stop worrying about things I cannot change and just enjoy the present.
Update: I challenged myself to do something I thought I could not succeed at, so I took a Spin class. I took one over a year ago, and thought I was going to have a coronary before I got to my car. I did my best and I got through the class! I’m not going to say I went balls to the wall and kept up the entire time, but I made it through the class. By the time I was done I think my ovaries had split in two and some serious damage was done, but g’dammit I didn’t quit! Looks like I don’t have to worry about having those kids after all.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Quitters are Great Losers
DAY 3
Today’s fault is brought to you by the unique letter Q. That’s right, I’m a quitter. It started at four years old with gymnastics. I couldn’t quite perfect my somersault, and the balance beam was a mother-fucking bitch! After a failed back flip on the balance beam, and a black eye, I quit. In kindergarten, I tried T-ball. They kept putting me way out in left field, and I was more interested in catching butterflies than keeping an eye out for the occasional stray ball. Let’s face it five year olds can’t hit a ball that hard, I had a better chance of catching a butterfly than a fly ball. After taking a ball to the head during a practice, and another black eye, I quit. At eight years old I got homesick and quit summer camp, at ten I quit the Girl Scouts. There were no black eyes involved in these departures, but I quit all the same. In the sixth grade everyone started playing instruments, it was the cool thing to do. I suppose being in a band doesn't make you a nerd until high school? I remember wanting to play the saxophone so bad; I practiced what I would say all the way home on the bus, I came home and asked mom if I could join the band. I was literally like Ralphie asking for a Red Ryder BB gun in A Christmas Story. She looked me square in the eyes and said, “Valerie there is no freaking way I’m going to spend all that money on an instrument you will only end up quitting!” It was an equivalent of telling me I'd shoot my eye out, but she was right.
Somehow this quitter mentality has followed me to adulthood. I’ve never been fired from a job, I’ve always quit them. At sixteen I got pissed because things weren’t going well for me at my first job, so I quit. I nearly quit college, but that was one thing my father made me finish (and to this day I am so grateful). I got frustrated and quit my marriage, even though I remained in it until he had the courage to be the official quitter. Every time I start a new health regime I get weak and quit. In my last relationship I lost hope and quit, even though I kept trying out of fear, in my mind I quit and was only fooling myself.
I don’t follow through on goals and therefore never see results. The old cliché says, “Quitters never win and winners never quit.” Here I am bitching and moaning that I never win, and yet I always quit. Turns out today’s lesson is also brought to you by the letter D, for DUH! So the problem is I give up on myself way too easily and I’m a quitter. The solution, I need to have some faith in myself. I need to let go of my perfectionism. When things don’t go right the first time, I need to try again, and again, and again. It goes back to previous posts, I need to work on my patience and force myself to keep at it. Patience and perseverance are magical, all difficulties and obstacles disappear in their presence. Tomorrow I will challenge myself with something I feel I cannot succeed at keep trying until I succeed!
UPDATE: Yesterday I challenged myself to eat healthy, exercise, and say positive things to myself, so far so good. I will only update further if I break this trend (aka I fuck up) – eat a cheeseburger, skip the gym, and then yell at myself in the mirror for doing so.
Today’s fault is brought to you by the unique letter Q. That’s right, I’m a quitter. It started at four years old with gymnastics. I couldn’t quite perfect my somersault, and the balance beam was a mother-fucking bitch! After a failed back flip on the balance beam, and a black eye, I quit. In kindergarten, I tried T-ball. They kept putting me way out in left field, and I was more interested in catching butterflies than keeping an eye out for the occasional stray ball. Let’s face it five year olds can’t hit a ball that hard, I had a better chance of catching a butterfly than a fly ball. After taking a ball to the head during a practice, and another black eye, I quit. At eight years old I got homesick and quit summer camp, at ten I quit the Girl Scouts. There were no black eyes involved in these departures, but I quit all the same. In the sixth grade everyone started playing instruments, it was the cool thing to do. I suppose being in a band doesn't make you a nerd until high school? I remember wanting to play the saxophone so bad; I practiced what I would say all the way home on the bus, I came home and asked mom if I could join the band. I was literally like Ralphie asking for a Red Ryder BB gun in A Christmas Story. She looked me square in the eyes and said, “Valerie there is no freaking way I’m going to spend all that money on an instrument you will only end up quitting!” It was an equivalent of telling me I'd shoot my eye out, but she was right.
Somehow this quitter mentality has followed me to adulthood. I’ve never been fired from a job, I’ve always quit them. At sixteen I got pissed because things weren’t going well for me at my first job, so I quit. I nearly quit college, but that was one thing my father made me finish (and to this day I am so grateful). I got frustrated and quit my marriage, even though I remained in it until he had the courage to be the official quitter. Every time I start a new health regime I get weak and quit. In my last relationship I lost hope and quit, even though I kept trying out of fear, in my mind I quit and was only fooling myself.
I don’t follow through on goals and therefore never see results. The old cliché says, “Quitters never win and winners never quit.” Here I am bitching and moaning that I never win, and yet I always quit. Turns out today’s lesson is also brought to you by the letter D, for DUH! So the problem is I give up on myself way too easily and I’m a quitter. The solution, I need to have some faith in myself. I need to let go of my perfectionism. When things don’t go right the first time, I need to try again, and again, and again. It goes back to previous posts, I need to work on my patience and force myself to keep at it. Patience and perseverance are magical, all difficulties and obstacles disappear in their presence. Tomorrow I will challenge myself with something I feel I cannot succeed at keep trying until I succeed!
UPDATE: Yesterday I challenged myself to eat healthy, exercise, and say positive things to myself, so far so good. I will only update further if I break this trend (aka I fuck up) – eat a cheeseburger, skip the gym, and then yell at myself in the mirror for doing so.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Mirror Mirror on the Wall
DAY 2
Yesterday I stated I was going to tackle one fault per day for the next week. I said I was going to drop all my fears and just face my truths, turns out this is easier said than done. I’ve decided the first issue I will deal with is my self-image. They say the greatest magnifying glass in the world is your own eyes when you look at yourself. I can honestly say when I look at myself I rarely see the good staring back at me in the mirror.
Living in Vegas is tough. I’m sure living anywhere else I would be a total babe. But in Vegas, well you have “Vegas girls.” They look like they just stepped off a trashy magazine cover; they hang out in clubs all night and pools all day. Image in this town is everything, and people in this town look good. According to the Department of Health and Human Services the average woman is 5’4” and weighs 152 pounds, wearing a size 12. So why is it that everywhere I look I see size zero runway models, oh yeah I live in Vegas (see earlier point).
According to the national average I should feel good about myself. I’m taller than average (5’9”), and while I won’t tell you what I weigh, I’ll tell you I’m somewhere around a 10-12. I’m a curvy girl. From what I’ve been told most guys prefer curves? I would however like to slim down. I’ve made peace with the fact I’ll never be a size zero. Even if I starve my ass and take a summer vacation to camp Auschwitz, it ain’t gonna happen. Goal number one therefore, is to eat right and exercise every day. I have the eating right part down. I’ve been doing a pretty strict diet for nearly the past year that has me on the road for reaching my goal. I plan on however taking it one step further. I’m going completely vegan. I’ve tried it out, and believe it or not it’s totally doable. The exercise part is the hard part. I have a summer routine lined up, and in a few weeks my work schedule will clear enough to do it, and I plan on really sticking to the routine. In the mean time I have worked out a schedule that allows me to work out from home and getting some classes and cardio done at the gym multiple times a week. Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment. So that’s it, I just set the goal now (and I mean starting right now as I type this) I have to have the discipline. By the end of August I want to squeeze my (by then tiny) ass into a size 8 pair of jeans, and by October reach my goal of a size 6. Due to damn bone structure I believe it is impossible for me to go any lower.
I guess the second half of my self-image goal is to accept the things I CANNOT change. I’ve always been told I’m a pretty girl. Your mom has to tell you that, right? In all seriousness, I suppose I’m lucky enough to not be hideous. However, I find fault. My nose is too big, my hair is not long enough, the texture of my hair is all wrong, my boobs aren’t the right shape, I feel pale, and frumpy, even my feet bother me. Unless I go totally Heidi Montag, certain things just aren’t going to change. I will work on these things the best I can. There’s always hair dye and extensions, new makeup, $50 bras, fake-bakes, and pedicures. I will work on my value of self-worth and try to appreciate my beauty instead of comparing myself to twenty-year-old bimbos who probably have their own bag of self-esteem issues. I suppose the fact that I don’t spend all day every day trying to look perfect means I’m not trying to compensate for some pent up daddy issues somewhere? I’m pretty sure every person we wish we were goes home and looks in the mirror wishing they could be someone else too, maybe they even wish they were you?
They say nobody else will like you until you like yourself, so it’s time I start liking myself dammit! I’m not only going to like myself I’m going to be totally crazy about myself! One time a guy told me sexy is a state of mine, and nothing is more sexy than confidence. I feel so self-conscious half the time around guys that I’m paranoid and feeling bad about things they probably aren’t even noticing or caring about. To quote The Butthole Surfers, “You never know just how you look through someone else’s eyes.” So the problem is I don’t like the way I look or feel; the solution is to eat right, work out, and say five positive things to myself in the mirror every day. I’m going to have such a crush on myself that the next guy to come into my life is going to have a little competition with me over me, and he’s going to have to try really hard to win!
Yesterday I stated I was going to tackle one fault per day for the next week. I said I was going to drop all my fears and just face my truths, turns out this is easier said than done. I’ve decided the first issue I will deal with is my self-image. They say the greatest magnifying glass in the world is your own eyes when you look at yourself. I can honestly say when I look at myself I rarely see the good staring back at me in the mirror.
Living in Vegas is tough. I’m sure living anywhere else I would be a total babe. But in Vegas, well you have “Vegas girls.” They look like they just stepped off a trashy magazine cover; they hang out in clubs all night and pools all day. Image in this town is everything, and people in this town look good. According to the Department of Health and Human Services the average woman is 5’4” and weighs 152 pounds, wearing a size 12. So why is it that everywhere I look I see size zero runway models, oh yeah I live in Vegas (see earlier point).
According to the national average I should feel good about myself. I’m taller than average (5’9”), and while I won’t tell you what I weigh, I’ll tell you I’m somewhere around a 10-12. I’m a curvy girl. From what I’ve been told most guys prefer curves? I would however like to slim down. I’ve made peace with the fact I’ll never be a size zero. Even if I starve my ass and take a summer vacation to camp Auschwitz, it ain’t gonna happen. Goal number one therefore, is to eat right and exercise every day. I have the eating right part down. I’ve been doing a pretty strict diet for nearly the past year that has me on the road for reaching my goal. I plan on however taking it one step further. I’m going completely vegan. I’ve tried it out, and believe it or not it’s totally doable. The exercise part is the hard part. I have a summer routine lined up, and in a few weeks my work schedule will clear enough to do it, and I plan on really sticking to the routine. In the mean time I have worked out a schedule that allows me to work out from home and getting some classes and cardio done at the gym multiple times a week. Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment. So that’s it, I just set the goal now (and I mean starting right now as I type this) I have to have the discipline. By the end of August I want to squeeze my (by then tiny) ass into a size 8 pair of jeans, and by October reach my goal of a size 6. Due to damn bone structure I believe it is impossible for me to go any lower.
I guess the second half of my self-image goal is to accept the things I CANNOT change. I’ve always been told I’m a pretty girl. Your mom has to tell you that, right? In all seriousness, I suppose I’m lucky enough to not be hideous. However, I find fault. My nose is too big, my hair is not long enough, the texture of my hair is all wrong, my boobs aren’t the right shape, I feel pale, and frumpy, even my feet bother me. Unless I go totally Heidi Montag, certain things just aren’t going to change. I will work on these things the best I can. There’s always hair dye and extensions, new makeup, $50 bras, fake-bakes, and pedicures. I will work on my value of self-worth and try to appreciate my beauty instead of comparing myself to twenty-year-old bimbos who probably have their own bag of self-esteem issues. I suppose the fact that I don’t spend all day every day trying to look perfect means I’m not trying to compensate for some pent up daddy issues somewhere? I’m pretty sure every person we wish we were goes home and looks in the mirror wishing they could be someone else too, maybe they even wish they were you?
They say nobody else will like you until you like yourself, so it’s time I start liking myself dammit! I’m not only going to like myself I’m going to be totally crazy about myself! One time a guy told me sexy is a state of mine, and nothing is more sexy than confidence. I feel so self-conscious half the time around guys that I’m paranoid and feeling bad about things they probably aren’t even noticing or caring about. To quote The Butthole Surfers, “You never know just how you look through someone else’s eyes.” So the problem is I don’t like the way I look or feel; the solution is to eat right, work out, and say five positive things to myself in the mirror every day. I’m going to have such a crush on myself that the next guy to come into my life is going to have a little competition with me over me, and he’s going to have to try really hard to win!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Putting My Cards on the Table
DAY 1
The purpose of the next 360 days is to find myself, and become the person I want to be - mind, body, and spirit. I figured a good starting point would be looking at who I am at this moment. Turns out it’s easier to define who I want to be than to understand who I already am. I suppose that’s because nobody wants to face the ugly truths about themselves? I can be my own worst critic at times. There’s a fine line between being hard on yourself because you lack self-esteem, and being hard on yourself because you’re strong enough to see your own faults. Often, people take responsibility for their accomplishments but not for their failures. When I decided to make this journey, I decided I wasn’t going to play the blame game anymore. I’ve spent the past two and a half years being pissed off at the universe for the cards I’ve been dealt. I never folded my cards, but I never played them either, I just sat there staring at my cards as if they would magically change themselves. My cards never changed, and I have wasted all this time not playing the game. In essence I’m losing a game I want so desperately to win. I’ve sadly taken the “woe is me” attitude often over responsibility, and here I am in a place I don’t want to be. I finally realize there’s no chance in this game and I can win, all I have to do is decide to win and change my cards. There’s no luck in the draw, I can have whatever cards I want, I just have to pick them. As stated in my previous post, I’ve always felt like the “Throw Away Girl,” until this point I’ve never asked myself what I do to make myself worthy of throwing away. Therefore step number one in this journey will be taking responsibility for what has gotten me to this point. This journey is mine and nobody else’s, therefore I’m not here to paint others in a bad light, I will reflect on my actions alone and what I did to get me here, and what I will do to rectify the wrong choices I have made.
Facing your faults is not easy; in fact it’s pretty damn embarrassing. It’s hard on the ego and it’s hard on the soul. We basically get two choices in life, you can accept things as they are or accept responsibility for changing them. With every fault I face I have to take responsibility for changing it into a positive quality, this is easier said than done. I want to put down the bad cards and pick good cards, but in order to do so I have to sort through the deck searching for the good cards, they won’t just magically appear in my hand. Anyone who knows me knows I lack patience. If I work out once I want to look like a supermodel, if I try doing something new I want to be an expert within the first try. It is a childish behavior, and yet one more thing I have to work on in my journey. Starting tomorrow I am going to take a look at one fault a day for one full week. I will shamelessly look at the fault and be blatantly honest about it, no matter how painful and embarrassing. Then I will figure out what I have to do to change it. Before even beginning this process I know it will be hard, and excruciating, and at times seem nearly impossible. But I have 360 days to find myself and challenge and change every aspect of who I am.
I ask that you bear with me through what will probably be me performing some sort of soul purging. Realize the words I type are basically coming from my heart directly to the keyboard, often skipping any thought or processing from my brain. Maybe it’s better that way? I know that besides complete strangers this blog is being read by some of the people most close to me, and laying my cards and feelings out on the table is something that scares the hell out of me! You will basically get a front row seat inside my head, which for the most part is something I’ve always kept private. In order to do this the first decision I had to make is to let go of fear. As much as I hate Oprah Winfrey, she once said something that really stuck with me, she said, “The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free.” So as of right now I am letting go of all fear, I am free to face the truth and this journey begins.
The purpose of the next 360 days is to find myself, and become the person I want to be - mind, body, and spirit. I figured a good starting point would be looking at who I am at this moment. Turns out it’s easier to define who I want to be than to understand who I already am. I suppose that’s because nobody wants to face the ugly truths about themselves? I can be my own worst critic at times. There’s a fine line between being hard on yourself because you lack self-esteem, and being hard on yourself because you’re strong enough to see your own faults. Often, people take responsibility for their accomplishments but not for their failures. When I decided to make this journey, I decided I wasn’t going to play the blame game anymore. I’ve spent the past two and a half years being pissed off at the universe for the cards I’ve been dealt. I never folded my cards, but I never played them either, I just sat there staring at my cards as if they would magically change themselves. My cards never changed, and I have wasted all this time not playing the game. In essence I’m losing a game I want so desperately to win. I’ve sadly taken the “woe is me” attitude often over responsibility, and here I am in a place I don’t want to be. I finally realize there’s no chance in this game and I can win, all I have to do is decide to win and change my cards. There’s no luck in the draw, I can have whatever cards I want, I just have to pick them. As stated in my previous post, I’ve always felt like the “Throw Away Girl,” until this point I’ve never asked myself what I do to make myself worthy of throwing away. Therefore step number one in this journey will be taking responsibility for what has gotten me to this point. This journey is mine and nobody else’s, therefore I’m not here to paint others in a bad light, I will reflect on my actions alone and what I did to get me here, and what I will do to rectify the wrong choices I have made.
Facing your faults is not easy; in fact it’s pretty damn embarrassing. It’s hard on the ego and it’s hard on the soul. We basically get two choices in life, you can accept things as they are or accept responsibility for changing them. With every fault I face I have to take responsibility for changing it into a positive quality, this is easier said than done. I want to put down the bad cards and pick good cards, but in order to do so I have to sort through the deck searching for the good cards, they won’t just magically appear in my hand. Anyone who knows me knows I lack patience. If I work out once I want to look like a supermodel, if I try doing something new I want to be an expert within the first try. It is a childish behavior, and yet one more thing I have to work on in my journey. Starting tomorrow I am going to take a look at one fault a day for one full week. I will shamelessly look at the fault and be blatantly honest about it, no matter how painful and embarrassing. Then I will figure out what I have to do to change it. Before even beginning this process I know it will be hard, and excruciating, and at times seem nearly impossible. But I have 360 days to find myself and challenge and change every aspect of who I am.
I ask that you bear with me through what will probably be me performing some sort of soul purging. Realize the words I type are basically coming from my heart directly to the keyboard, often skipping any thought or processing from my brain. Maybe it’s better that way? I know that besides complete strangers this blog is being read by some of the people most close to me, and laying my cards and feelings out on the table is something that scares the hell out of me! You will basically get a front row seat inside my head, which for the most part is something I’ve always kept private. In order to do this the first decision I had to make is to let go of fear. As much as I hate Oprah Winfrey, she once said something that really stuck with me, she said, “The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free.” So as of right now I am letting go of all fear, I am free to face the truth and this journey begins.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
The History of the "Throw Away Girl"
I have always called myself the "Throw Away Girl." It started at birth, literally. I was born to two teen aged parents who during their first year at college got a little frisky in an unprotected way and had a baby. Both of their parents told them they weren't going to let a child ruin their futures, so I was given up for adoption. I have no complaints about being the "Throw Away Girl" in this situation, I was given to two amazing parents who couldn't have children, and I grew up on the back of a postcard. We weren't rich, but there was so much love and fun in my house growing up. I guess I always thought things would be perfect, but the legacy of the "Throw Away Girl" would continue.
At 21 I met a boy. I didn't even like him in the beginning, but he was persistent, and like a dog that won't stop following you he eventually grew on me and I fell in love for the first time. At 23 I got married, and settled into a content little life of boredom. I was happy being content, but not happy like one should be in a marriage. He did not want kids (I did), I was letting myself go, and depressed without knowing it. He was in the military and gone all the time I was simply going day to day living a happy lifeless life. We fought a lot, and the word divorce was thrown around often. We did not communicate, and did not work on our marriage, yet for some stupid reason I would be content living the rest of my life on this hopeless path with him. On November 7, 2007 he came home from work like any other day. He was home early and I was surprised, especially when he asked me to sit down and talk with him. In that talk at the kitchen table he informed me he had gotten an apartment and was leaving me because I would never have the guts to leave him. One month later, a day before our lightning fast divorce was final, he married a girl he hardly knew. She had two children, and within another month was expecting one with him. My world was crushed, and I was again the "Throw Away Girl."
Shortly after I met a guy who had been an online friend the past two years. Immediately we started a relationship. It was a rebound, and more than that a huge cluster-fuck. I had him on a pedestal and when I finally got to know the real him he was knocked off that perch. Things got ugly! We continued this on again off again relationship until just a few weeks ago, when I legally evicted him from my home. I'm sure the drama of this situation will be described in blogs to come, a large portion of this social experiment is facing the truth of that relationship. Bottom line I found myself in a situation I should have left first or perhaps should have never became involved in, yet ended up being the "Throw Away Girl."
So here I sit in a coffee shop feeling like if I can just get this all off my soul maybe the universe will turn and for once I can change things. It's time to own up to the faults I have that make me the "Throw Away Girl." I want to do a complete 180 so cleverly I've given myself 360 days to do this complete turn around....and make myself the "Keeper Girl" instead of the "Throw Away Girl."
At 21 I met a boy. I didn't even like him in the beginning, but he was persistent, and like a dog that won't stop following you he eventually grew on me and I fell in love for the first time. At 23 I got married, and settled into a content little life of boredom. I was happy being content, but not happy like one should be in a marriage. He did not want kids (I did), I was letting myself go, and depressed without knowing it. He was in the military and gone all the time I was simply going day to day living a happy lifeless life. We fought a lot, and the word divorce was thrown around often. We did not communicate, and did not work on our marriage, yet for some stupid reason I would be content living the rest of my life on this hopeless path with him. On November 7, 2007 he came home from work like any other day. He was home early and I was surprised, especially when he asked me to sit down and talk with him. In that talk at the kitchen table he informed me he had gotten an apartment and was leaving me because I would never have the guts to leave him. One month later, a day before our lightning fast divorce was final, he married a girl he hardly knew. She had two children, and within another month was expecting one with him. My world was crushed, and I was again the "Throw Away Girl."
Shortly after I met a guy who had been an online friend the past two years. Immediately we started a relationship. It was a rebound, and more than that a huge cluster-fuck. I had him on a pedestal and when I finally got to know the real him he was knocked off that perch. Things got ugly! We continued this on again off again relationship until just a few weeks ago, when I legally evicted him from my home. I'm sure the drama of this situation will be described in blogs to come, a large portion of this social experiment is facing the truth of that relationship. Bottom line I found myself in a situation I should have left first or perhaps should have never became involved in, yet ended up being the "Throw Away Girl."
So here I sit in a coffee shop feeling like if I can just get this all off my soul maybe the universe will turn and for once I can change things. It's time to own up to the faults I have that make me the "Throw Away Girl." I want to do a complete 180 so cleverly I've given myself 360 days to do this complete turn around....and make myself the "Keeper Girl" instead of the "Throw Away Girl."
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