Pile up too many tomorrows and you'll find that you've collected nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays. ~The Music Man

DAY 4
Sorry this is a day late, I had to deal with my my ovaries splitting in half *See update for explanation*

I used to obsess on my health. I was practically a hypochondriac. I think it was something that caused problems in my marriage. I had a therapist once tell me that I was so unhappy in my marriage that my hidden nervousness and despair appeared in my anxious behavior over my health. I thought he was full of it, until I noticed as soon as I got divorced I didn’t obsess over every little ailment. I was instantly cured of my hypochondria, and I had no idea when or how it happened. My next obsession was having a “normal” life. I had to get remarried, have kids, and do the “normal” thing. Eventually over time (especially lately), I’ve been asking myself why is that so normal and why do I feel I need it? I’m actually happy alone. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to eventually share my life with the right person, it just means I’m ok being alone too. Life is peaceful alone, and not entirely lonely or terrible. I’m happy I finally feel this way; I think it will allow me to only open my life to the right man, and not force an unhealthy situation. Again this happened instantly with no explanation, it’s like the light just finally flashed on and I understood and was content.

The same goes for kids, I spent my entire life wanting a family to the point I obsessed over it, and one day woke up and asked myself why? I spend a majority of my time around teenagers and honestly they’re a pain in the ass! Before they’re obnoxious teens they’re unbearable babies. As babies, they’re cute and all; but they cry, they keep you up all night, they can’t communicate so if they’re sick I’d be a nervous wreck, and most of all they shit their pants. None of that sounds rewarding or fun. Then they become teenagers; they become mouthy brats, you have to teach them how to drive, they cost you a ton of money, they fail all their classes, become apathetic assholes with an attitude with no sense of direction, and they’re clueless about their futures. Again how does this make someone feel rewarded and happy? The older I get the more the idea of having a baby over kick ass vacations and other luxury items, doesn’t really turn me on.

I used to get annoyed with people who would say they live in the here and now. I was like what a bunch of hippie nonsense. To me these were lazy people who were too careless to plan for the future. I needed to have my future all planned out and ready to go. This planning brought me nothing but disappointment and heartache. For the past two years I have been doing too much of two things, I’ve obsessed over the past and obsessed over the future, the whole time I have stopped enjoying the present. I have spent most of my life trying to either relive the past or make a future exist before it arrives; I have finally realized that in between these two extremes is the peace I’ve been seeking. So the problem is, I obsess over things I cannot control. The solution is, to stop worrying about things I cannot change and just enjoy the present.

Update: I challenged myself to do something I thought I could not succeed at, so I took a Spin class. I took one over a year ago, and thought I was going to have a coronary before I got to my car. I did my best and I got through the class! I’m not going to say I went balls to the wall and kept up the entire time, but I made it through the class. By the time I was done I think my ovaries had split in two and some serious damage was done, but g’dammit I didn’t quit! Looks like I don’t have to worry about having those kids after all.