Putting My Cards on the Table

DAY 1

The purpose of the next 360 days is to find myself, and become the person I want to be - mind, body, and spirit. I figured a good starting point would be looking at who I am at this moment. Turns out it’s easier to define who I want to be than to understand who I already am. I suppose that’s because nobody wants to face the ugly truths about themselves? I can be my own worst critic at times. There’s a fine line between being hard on yourself because you lack self-esteem, and being hard on yourself because you’re strong enough to see your own faults. Often, people take responsibility for their accomplishments but not for their failures. When I decided to make this journey, I decided I wasn’t going to play the blame game anymore. I’ve spent the past two and a half years being pissed off at the universe for the cards I’ve been dealt. I never folded my cards, but I never played them either, I just sat there staring at my cards as if they would magically change themselves. My cards never changed, and I have wasted all this time not playing the game. In essence I’m losing a game I want so desperately to win. I’ve sadly taken the “woe is me” attitude often over responsibility, and here I am in a place I don’t want to be. I finally realize there’s no chance in this game and I can win, all I have to do is decide to win and change my cards. There’s no luck in the draw, I can have whatever cards I want, I just have to pick them. As stated in my previous post, I’ve always felt like the “Throw Away Girl,” until this point I’ve never asked myself what I do to make myself worthy of throwing away. Therefore step number one in this journey will be taking responsibility for what has gotten me to this point. This journey is mine and nobody else’s, therefore I’m not here to paint others in a bad light, I will reflect on my actions alone and what I did to get me here, and what I will do to rectify the wrong choices I have made.

Facing your faults is not easy; in fact it’s pretty damn embarrassing. It’s hard on the ego and it’s hard on the soul. We basically get two choices in life, you can accept things as they are or accept responsibility for changing them. With every fault I face I have to take responsibility for changing it into a positive quality, this is easier said than done. I want to put down the bad cards and pick good cards, but in order to do so I have to sort through the deck searching for the good cards, they won’t just magically appear in my hand. Anyone who knows me knows I lack patience. If I work out once I want to look like a supermodel, if I try doing something new I want to be an expert within the first try. It is a childish behavior, and yet one more thing I have to work on in my journey. Starting tomorrow I am going to take a look at one fault a day for one full week. I will shamelessly look at the fault and be blatantly honest about it, no matter how painful and embarrassing. Then I will figure out what I have to do to change it. Before even beginning this process I know it will be hard, and excruciating, and at times seem nearly impossible. But I have 360 days to find myself and challenge and change every aspect of who I am.

I ask that you bear with me through what will probably be me performing some sort of soul purging. Realize the words I type are basically coming from my heart directly to the keyboard, often skipping any thought or processing from my brain. Maybe it’s better that way? I know that besides complete strangers this blog is being read by some of the people most close to me, and laying my cards and feelings out on the table is something that scares the hell out of me! You will basically get a front row seat inside my head, which for the most part is something I’ve always kept private. In order to do this the first decision I had to make is to let go of fear. As much as I hate Oprah Winfrey, she once said something that really stuck with me, she said, “The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free.” So as of right now I am letting go of all fear, I am free to face the truth and this journey begins.